Single Parents Have Most to Gain From Working Family Initiatives

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In June the White House held its first ever Summit on Working Families. As part of his promised “year of action” he presented in his State of the Union Address, President Obama, along with the Department of Labor and the Center for American Progress laid out concrete initiatives designed to focus on the specific needs of working families. The summit focused on how the changing demographics of the American family require a different approach to the economics of working, as well as workplace policies in need of updating for businesses to maintain top talent.

An August 2013 report released by the Census Bureau highlighted some of the distinct changes in American families since 1970. They looked at data from various reports highlighting the population characteristics of families over the years. The report focused on 2007-2009, the height of the worldwide economic recession, for comparison, though data through 2012 was included. It looked at various factors which included economic, geography and gender.

The structure of the 39 million families with children under 18 varied but the primary family structure is still a two parent family, though the families have fewer children than they did even a decade earlier. While a stay at home parent has steadily been decreasing since women entered the workforce, the need for both parents working spiked dramatically in the previous decade. The recession also saw a greater increase in intergenerational families, such as a grandparent, an adult child(ren) and grandchild(ren).

Regardless of the structure, all families with children saw a decline in their economic welfare since 2007.

The Census Bureau report did see an increase in single parent families, especially with the number headed by single fathers. Interestingly, homes headed by a single father were generally more economically advantaged than those headed by women. The report noted that this was largely due to the fact that most fathers who became single parents did so because of divorce and were usually older and a home owner, meaning they were more economically stable at the time they became a single parent. Single mothers, on the other hand, were more likely to have never been married or own a home.

Most children that lived with one parent were living with their mother, though the number of single father homes increased to 17 percent, representing 44 percent of all children living in single parent homes.

The recession saw greater job losses, especially among men, and more women having to pick up the slack.  If both parents worked, often they were working at part-time jobs with fewer benefits, if they had any at all. Furthermore, the wage gap for women weighed heavily on families, as whatever income brought in would often not match what the men in the family would make.

This wage gap is also why single parent homes headed by women were the most economically disadvantaged.

With an increase in part-time jobs, there was also an increase temporary and contract employment. As the economy began to slowly recover, many firms were still wary of doing massive hiring. This led to the use of staffing firms and more temp-to-hire positions, where workers were hired temporarily with the plan to eventually hire permanently. There was also a rise in freelancers who would work on a negotiated contract for a specific amount of time.

All of these stresses make it that much harder for single parent homes.

One of the greatest expenses for families is childcare. Families often spend more than their rent or mortgage on childcare, if they can find quality care at all. A recent Washington Post article highlighted how in most states, daycare exceeds the cost of in-state tuition and fees at state colleges. Many programs that help lower-income families, such as Head Start, have been cut over the recent years, leaving families with pre-kindergarten age children with few or no options. Of course, even once they are in school, working families still have the issue of what to do for after school care as budget cuts have further eliminated these programs. Families are often forced to choose between working and leaving their children in unsafe situations.

It’s these issues and more that the Summit on Working Families sought to address.

Things like increasing the minimum wage to a living wage and passing the Paycheck Fairness Act, which would hold employers more accountable for wage discrimination against women, would go a long way at decreasing the poverty rate of families with children. It is still legal in many states to fire an employee just because she is pregnant, and the United States is the only developed nation which does not require paid maternity leave. Most states also do not have paid family leave and many companies don’t provide paid sick leave.

Flexible working hours and conditions would also bring tremendous relief to families with children. Telecommuting or the ability to alter hours that coincide with the needs of school-aged children and their care would allow parents to provide for and, most importantly, be with their family. While it’s understandable that some jobs require being at a work site during certain hours, technology has created a myriad of options for people to do their jobs well, yet not needed in the office at all times.

While these policies would benefit all families, single parent households have the most to gain.

As with all of the President’s initiatives, he is limited by how far the Executive Branch can go without the legislative efforts of Congress. Many of these policies have already been presented and rejected by the Republicans in Congress . Still, as is characteristic of his presidency, President Obama has started the conversation. His personal experience gives him a unique perspective that many political leaders, and most former presidents, don’t have.

As he wrote in an OpEd at the Huffington Post, these issues are personal. “As the son and grandson of some strong women who worked hard to support my sister and me; as the husband of a brilliant woman who struggled to balance work and raising our young ladies when my job often kept me away; and as the father of two beautiful girls, whom I want to be there for as much as I possibly can — and whom I hope will be able to have families and careers of their own one day.”

Single Women Voters Hold the Power in November

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Earlier this month, 15 congresswomen – and one congressman – set out on a bus tour to with one specific mission: to remind the voting public of their power. The five day tour traveled from New England to the Midwest. They spoke to all that joined them, but their focus was squarely on the voters most concerned with minimum wage, unemployment, schools, and paid time off for families.

In other words, they were focused squarely on women.

Statistics show that an increase in women representatives shows a greater focus on policies that affect everyone. Inevitably, “women” issues such as reproductive rights and child care are put to the forefront when more women are elected. However, more legislation is introduced regarding economic policy, education, civil rights and the environment when women have a larger presence. There is also a substantial improvement in economic performance in countries where women hold key national leadership positions.

The number of women in local, state and national government in the U.S. is at an all time high. While impressive, we are still far behind other countries that have a much higher representation of women. Even though more organizations are focused on increasing the number of women in office, the barriers to get there are daunting. The financial costs for campaigning deter many women due to fewer avenues for funding.  There are also the structural issue of electoral politics that limit how and which candidates get elected, or even get on the ballot.

However, the greatest power the majority of women have is their vote.

The Democratic contingent of congresswomen and one congressman weren’t spreading the message that women should vote for women (though they did highlight how it would make a difference). They wanted them to understand the importance of voting, especially in the upcoming midterm elections. Women, particularly unmarried women and working moms, aren’t just a statistic – they are a viable and powerful demographic.

The Voter Participation Center (VPC) is a nonpartisan research organization dedicated to amplifying the voices of unmarried women (this includes divorced, widowed, separated, and single). There are 55 million voting eligible unmarried women in the United States, representing more than 25 percent of the voting population. However, they have consistently been underrepresented in elections.  Married women are virtually equal in eligible voting population at nearly 57 million, but vote at a higher rate than unmarried women. In the 2012 election, nearly 6 percent more married women voted in the election than unmarried, even though they only outnumber them by a little over one percent of the electorate.

President Barack Obama won by 3 percent.

The reasons that nearly a third of unmarried women are not registered to vote, and those that are don’t vote, have a lot to do with the policies that affect them. The wage gap in the industries that many women work, especially younger women, makes it difficult to find affordable housing, which can result in frequent changes in address. This is made more difficult for women with children – both married and not. The high cost of day care makes it difficult to find work that can cover all costs, not to mention the lack of paid time off for family and sick leave further strains the needed stability.

It is no surprise that these women are most vulnerable to voter ID and registration requirements which require large windows for registration. Strict guidelines for name changes also make it more cumbersome for recently divorced or recently married women to have their IDs accepted at the polling booth.

The voting patterns for single and married women have less to do with party affiliation and more to do with the issues they have to face. This is why women with children, many of them married, were also the target for the Democrats’ message of the importance of voting in the midterm elections. They share many of the needs that single women carry. The Democratic party has put forth a great deal of legislation that has focused on equal pay, paid family and medical leave, expanding affordable childcare, expanding funding for Head Start programs, and raising the minimum wage.

These are all policies that have been repeatedly blocked by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

Then there is the Supreme Court. After two rulings this term in which the court ruled that the needs of women should be secondary to anti-choice protestors and religious bosses who don’t approve of birth control, women – not just single ones – are angry. The next two years could see a need to replace one or two justices. The Republican minority in the Senate has used it’s blocking power to slow down, and in some cases stop, the nomination process for other presidential appointees. Increasing the Democratic majority in November could be key to stopping future attempts and reversing the progress of women’s rights for a generation.

Single women could be the ones to make that happen.

The VPC report released earlier this month shows that unmarried women have had the largest increase in new eligible voters since the 2012 election with more than ten million new voters.  Many of them are young and tend to not participate in large numbers in midterm elections. In 2012, if unmarried women voted in the same numbers as married women, the difference would have been an additional 6.5 million more votes cast.

President Barack Obama won by a little over 1 million votes.

Many are predicting it is unlikely Democrats can gain control of the House this year. Even though Democrats won the popular vote in 2012, gerrymandering has made many more Republican seats safer. However, the VPC report notes that unmarried women are increasing their registration numbers at a record rate and are the most motivated of what they call the “Rising American Electorate,” which includes women as well as people of color. They have the power.

The decision of these women to vote — or not — will make all the difference in November.

An earlier version of this article was published at Care2.

Throwback: The Birth (aka How My Definition of Love Changed Forever)

I’m posting my Throwback Thursday post a day early in honor of my son’s sixth birthday. The original blog was posted on MySpace just a couple of weeks after his birth.

Originally posted May 8, 2008

How does the adage go? If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Well, He definitely got a guffaw out of me!

Dateline: Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It was a rather rough night. The baby, who has had a history my entire pregnancy of pushing up against my diaphragm, literally cutting off my breath, was doing it a lot while I was trying to sleep. I gave up on sleeping at about 7:30 a.m., taking my time getting out of bed to get ready for work. Fifteen minutes later, I felt like I suddenly lost control of my bladder. I rushed to the bathroom…and for some strange reason…could not stop peeing.

I suddenly had a thought: Did my water just break?

Three days before the event. I thought I had another ten days.

There was no pain, no contractions. Just this constant flow of what I thought was urine. I called my doctor and left a message stating: “This may sound strange, but I think my water just broke. Please call me back.”

I then called my mother in Georgia. I said: “Can I ask you a question without you freaking out?” I then proceeded to tell her of the current activity occurring with my body and she stated, “Honey, your water has just broke. Get to the hospital.”  At that point, my doctor returned my call. He asked how close I was to the hospital and when I told him I was only a couple minutes away, he told me to meet him there.

Now I’m a little freaked. The baby isn’t due for another week (we had scheduled a c-section) and there was so much I was going to do that weekend to prepare for this exact moment…like pack the bag I was going to take to the hospital.

I debated on whether or not to take a shower and put on makeup, but decided I should probably get to the hospital. As I was driving there, I convinced myself that this was probably just a rupture…that happens, I hear…and I was going to be told by my doctor to remain in bed until the next week when we were scheduled to have him. Four minutes later, I was at the hospital. Since I drove myself, I decided to valet park…I figured I wasn’t going to be there that long. I forgot to ask if I was supposed to meet my doctor in emergency or labor & delivery so I went into the emergency area.

I informed them that my water may have just broken and I was meeting my doctor there, but I wasn’t sure where I was to meet him. The lady at the desk freaked out. She said, “Oh my god!” and ran to the other room and grabbed a wheelchair. I tried to refuse and convince her I really was okay…after all, I had just driven myself to the hospital….but she insisted that I sit down and wheeled me into emergency.

It’s about 8:15 a.m. at this point…I’m feeling very silly sitting there in the wheelchair while they call labor & delivery to tell them to come get me. I tell them I know where it’s at and have no problem walking over there…but they weren’t having it. About 15 minutes later, a nurse comes to take me to labor and delivery. She said my doctor had called them to expect me, but they didn’t expect me so soon. It was then I realized I probably could have taken a shower and put on make-up…I was a little bummed that I hadn’t.

A few minutes later, I’m in a labor and delivery room. A tag team of nurses start introducing themselves to me. One tells me to go into the bathroom and pee on a strip of paper. If it turned blue, it meant that I was leaking amniotic fluid. It was very, very blue.

She then had me get naked and put on one of those lovely hospital gowns. I thought this was an awful lot of work to be going through just to send me home once my doctor got there. He did arrive about 8:45 a.m. He said since he had to catch a plane at 3:00 p.m., they were going to go ahead and do the c-section right then…they were just waiting for the anesthesiologist.

Now I’m getting a little concerned. All I could think about was everything I had to do at work…there was still a lot to do to get ready for my maternity leave…and how I still hadn’t gone through the baby shower gifts from two weeks prior…and how my mom was supposed to be there but she was still in Georgia…and damn it, I forgot to charge my cellphone!

So with the few bars left on the cellphone, I called my mom to let her know that I was indeed having a baby. She had anticipated that and was heading to the airport on the next available flight out of Atlanta…but wouldn’t be there for the birth. I then called my friend Kara…who was going to come to the hospital as soon as she found someone to take care of her little one. I then called my friend Eric to see if he could pick my mom up from the airport. I then had to make sure that my mom, Kara and Eric all had each other’s cell phone numbers and could coordinate with each other.

I also made sure someone went by my house to get my cellphone charger.

I then called the office to inform my boss that I wouldn’t be in – he wasn’t in the office yet (I didn’t think to call his cell phone) – but I talked to the receptionist…who decided to also freak out. He asked if I wanted anyone to come to the hospital…I told him I was okay…and just to let my boss know what was going on. A few minutes later, Robin from the office called basically informing me that she was on her way to the hospital. The conversation was longer…but that was the end result.

(I would later find out that the receptionist had made a panicked announcement on the office intercom: “Crystal is at the hospital! In labor! By herself!”).

During all this flurry of conversation, nurses were informing me of what was going to happen once I got into the delivery room, they started sticking me with IVs and then shaving me to prep me for the surgery. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a few questions about my history…and based on what I said decided he was going to give me an epidural. He explained what was going to happen with that and said he’d see me in the operating room.

At about 10:00 a.m., they have me walk across the hall to the operating room. There are two nurses, my doctor, the anesthesiologist and a very, very old man who was apparently assisting my doctor with the delivery. Over the next few minutes, needles are stuck in my back, more tubes and machines are hooked up to me. They wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick in, lift a sheet to block my view of my lower body…and then I hear my doctor say, “scalpel”.

This wasn’t an episode of ER.

For what felt like twenty minutes, I feel a lot of tugging and pulling…and commentary between the two doctors. Constant questions from the anesthesiologist asking me how I’m doing…and moments of reassurance from the nurses and doctor. I think this is the closest I’ve ever been to an out-of-body experience. All I could do was think about all that I hadn’t done to prepare for this moment…and realized it was all moot, since the moment was here.

At exactly 10:34 a.m., they delivered the tiniest…and I must say whitest…little boy I had ever seen. They take him over to the warming table and do what they need to do…a few seconds later, I hear a piercing scream. He was okay.

Yes, this is exactly the way he looked at me when they placed him in my arms.

They wrap him up and hand him to me. He immediately stops crying. I start talking to him and he opens his eyes. I’m meeting my son for the first time with no makeup and crying…but I don’t think it scared him. He just continued to listen to me talk and check me out.

I started losing a lot of blood, so they had to take him and put him back on the warming table. I looked at him the whole time…and he didn’t cry once. He just looked around, checking out his surroundings. He was so mellow.

They sewed me up, handed him back to me and wheeled us into recovery. My friend Robin meets us there. About an hour later, my son is nursing from my breast like a champ…and all was good with the world.

My friend Kara met us in the postpartum room…and my mom arrived later that night.

And that is how the love of my life was born on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 10:34 a.m. He weighed in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long.

My definition of love has changed forever.

Photograph by Josh Patterson Photography

Dear Teenage Son: Please, Don’t Rape

Dear Teenage Son,

I’m taking a break from planning your 5^th birthday party, which is exactly one month away. I need the break because I’m overwhelmed by the fact that you’re almost five…and I have no idea how to accommodate the expected 50 people we’re going to invite. I blame myself for making you such a fun and social kid.

It’s hard to believe that you’re no longer a toddler. You’re a real live boy. I have to admit, there were times I didn’t think we’d get here. You refused to be weaned when I wanted, but resigned yourself to your new fate at 18 months when I said “No more booby!” I was pretty sure you would be forever in diapers as potty training was the hardest…thing…ever. At least I thought it was until the past year. Forget about the Terrible Twos, the Frustrating Fours have caused an increase in mommy’s hair maintenance budget.

I’m amazed at how much you’ve learned in these five short years. Still, there’s so much to teach you. Sure, we’ve gotten reading and basic addition out of the way…but there are still things like soccer and Shakespeare and tying your shoes. Oh….and to not rape.

If I’ve done my job, your appropriate response to that last item is “What the fuck, Mom?” (I will forgive you for cursing in my house this one time. It is fucking insane that I must tell you this).

Rape has been in the news a lot lately. While you have been enjoying your time in Pre-K, there have been politicians publically declaring different variations of rape…apparently some are more “legitimate” than others. Recently, a couple of high school football players in a small town in Ohio were on trial for raping a 16 year old girl. A lot of people are really sad about that, especially for the football players.

Yeah, another “What the fuck?!” is absolutely appropriate here, too.

You see, my dear perfectly behaved teenage son (I’m writing to the future you, so you’re still perfect), we currently live in a culture where rape is always the woman’s fault and men seem unable to be held responsible for their actions. I, like every woman and girl before me, have been taught since grade school to control ourselves so as to not tempt men…because if we do and they rape us, it’s our fault.

And, yes, it’s bullshit.

Raising a son has taught me there are definitely things that are unique to having a penis – but being a vile disrespectful idiot lacking impulse control is not one of them.

Let me make it perfectly clear, in spite of your high IQ, your hormones will cause you to do lots of stupid, stupid things. They will not, however, be an excuse to violate another person’s body or soul.

For boys, girls can be exciting, confusing and frustrating. This will continue until adulthood. You’ll never figure them out, enjoy the ride. Fortunately, you have a mom who can give you the inside scoop.

To start, there are a few things that are clear and are never up for negotiation when dealing with girls. Take heed:

• If she’s wearing a short skirt, skimpy top and makes your penis feel funny – she is not a slut, a whore or any other derogatory term. She’s a human being in a short skirt, skimpy top and makes your penis feel funny. You do not have a right to disrespect her or otherwise violate her personal space. Say nothing, smile when you look at her and limit the stare to three seconds or less if you wish to avoid being known as creepy.
• If that girl in the short skirt (or jeans, or sweatpants) has expressed interest in you and, perhaps, let’s you hold her hand or kiss her, this is not an invitation to go further. She is letting you hold her hand and kiss her. She’s just as nervous as you are. Don’t force the issue.
• If she says no at any point of intimacy…respect her. Respect her and stop. Even if it’s at the worst…possible…moment. No means no. It doesn’t mean maybe. It means no. This means do not place your penis (or fingers or anything else) into any area of her body. No, not there. No…not there either. NOWHERE. She said no. STOP. Back away. I’ve had a few guys take a cold shower…I’m told it helps. I mean, I’ve heard, that guys take cold showers to help.
• And if this girl IS saying yes, but is in any way incapacitated, i.e., drunk, on drugs or really upset because the guy she really wanted to sleep with just called her a whore…it’s still a no. The only thing to do in this situation is say, “Let’s get you home.” And then you call me to pick you both up.

True confession: I’m just as freaked out as you are right now that we have to talk about this. Until recent events, I truly thought that teaching you to be a decent and respectful person, that women are fellow human beings deserving of respect, that you should be respectful of yourself and your body, and that strength comes not through physical might, but through intellect and compassion would be enough to keep you from raping. I was not aware this is something that needed to be told to our boys.

So, today’s lesson is….do not rape. Ever. ¿Comprende?

Cool, now that’s off my list. Let me get back to that birthday party that I’m sure you still feel was the best ever.

Since you’re a teenager, I’m pretty sure your room is a mess and smells. Go clean it.

Love,

Mommy

P.S.: I am keenly aware this letter is assuming you’re straight. However, should you be crushing on a boy, it’s cool. All of the above still applies.

I Am Not a Father

Every third Sunday of June since my son was born I have been showered with messages of “Happy Father’s Day!” The first year it happened, my son was only a couple of months old and I was truly touched that my friends cared and acknowledged I was doing the work of two, even if it was my choice to do so. The next year, I returned the favor to my fellow single moms (whether by choice or by circumstance), celebrating the fact that we got to be greedy and had at least two days of the year to be thanked for our hard work.

Things were a little different when my son turned two. Unusually bright and observant for his age, he had already started noticing that kids had dads. In addition to the stories he was read at bedtime and the Nick Jr. shows about families, he, of course, had friends with dads. He wasn’t quite able to formulate the questions or put the pieces together…but his little brain was trying to work it out. One night, a few months after his birthday, he was in the bath and started saying “Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!” followed by contagious giggling. This was the first time I had ever heard him say the word daddy. Instinct took over and I decided to ask him, “What’s a daddy?” His response? “A daddy is a man who is kind of a teacher and a friend and lives in a house.”

I almost cried. I thought this was the most beautiful and astute description of what a father was. This was also a wonderful example of how my son makes sense of his world. Obviously, daddies are men. The teacher part was a direct reference to his friend Abby’s dad…who looked like (at least to my son) the teacher in his book “Biscuit Goes to School.” The friend part was referring to his “Uncle David,” a family friend and father of his friend Keegan…who takes care of the rough housing and whatever the toddler equivalent is to scratching, spitting and talking about the bitches duties with my son – as all good friends do. As for the house part…well, both those dads live in houses.

That’s when the “Happy Father’s Day!” messages started to feel a little weird.

It would be several more months before we would have the daddy discussion again…which was still way sooner than I had intended. When I started my journey to single motherhood, inevitably I wrestled with the prospect of “the daddy question.” My plan was to be honest and truthful. Of course, that was predicated on having gone through a few other milestone conversations such as “why do some kids have daddies” and “where do babies come from”. So when my son woke me up at 6:30 am a month shy of his third birthday with the question “Are you my mommy and my daddy?” my plan was shot to hell.

If I had paid attention, I had warning of this conversation a few weeks earlier. We were at the park and a little girl asked me where my son’s dad was. It was then I knew I was woefully unprepared for this question – from children that weren’t mine. That’s when I made mistake number one and responded “He’s not here.” I had just lied to a total stranger’s child…and mine, since he was standing right there. I won’t bore you with my internal freakout, but I had decided to correct my lie with the truth. However, before I could say anything my son responded to the little girl, “My daddy’s at work!”

What the fuck? No, really, that was my response. Luckily, I didn’t say it out loud.

Over the next few days, I would learn that my son had a really great relationship with his non-existent daddy. When I relayed the story to the nanny, she informed me that he often drove his daddy to work when at the park riding his bike, and picked him up on his way home. At least his daddy has a job…and lets his son drive the car.

After a few conversations with a fellow SMC (single mom by choice), I realized that he was, once again, making sense of his world. All the other kids’ dads were at work when at the park…so, of course, his must be, too.

I learned the issue still had to be dealt with that early morning in March. I reminded my son that I was his mommy. He asked, again, if I was his mommy and daddy. I then told him he did not have a daddy. That statement resulted in a two minute back in forth of me responding, “No, you don’t” to his “Yes, I DO have a daddy! I DO! He’s at work!” At 6:30 am in the morning, I was beginning to really wish that this was true, so I could call the asshole and tell him to come home and talk to his son so that I could sleep! Instead, instinct took over and I told my son the truth….the truth that I hadn’t planned on revealing until several years later. I said, “You don’t have a daddy, you have a donor.”

That was the first moment of quiet I had heard since he had shattered my morning slumber.

“What’s a donor?” he asked.

“A donor is a very nice man who you’ll get to meet when you’re a man,” I said calmly…and quite surprisingly. That wasn’t the answer I had planned when I was picking out sperm donors.

As he processed the information, I began trying to calculate exactly how I was going to explain to a not yet three year old the complexities of how babies are made, and how at almost 40 I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a wife and…FUUUUCK! Why was he asking me this now? I hadn’t even had my coffee yet!

Instead he said, “Oh! I have a donor!“…I’m hungry! I want some raisin toast.” He then jumped out of bed and headed for the kitchen. I followed, because that was where the coffee was.

On this Father’s Day eve, I think back to the question of my now three year old. I’m sure at some point I’ll write about my thoughts on gender roles and the artificial constructs of what society feels is the role of a mother or father or if I think a child is lacking with only one parent (okay, on that last one, the hint is, NO!). Today, I just want to say this: There are mothers and there are fathers. How they do what they do is truly an individual choice. Some of them do what they do with someone else, some do it alone. In any case, they are still one or the other (and if you’re wondering which, a really smart two year old told me once that a daddy is a man).

If on the third Sunday of June you wish to acknowledge the parenting efforts of a single mom (by choice or by circumstance), by all means, do so. While you’re at it, give her a shout out on Monday, too…and the third Sunday of July, or the 20^th of November. It will always be appreciated, trust me. But for this single mother by choice, don’t wish me a Happy Father’s Day. I say to all those who I know mean well, and send me the good wishes from their heart, I am not a father. I am a mommy…and that’s what I will continue to be on Father’s Day…and everyday thereafter.

However, feel free to still send gifts.