Throwback Thursday: If I Knew Then

This is me giving in to the trend of Throwback Thursdays, where everyone posts an old photo of themselves or something. I’ve decided to use it as away to revisit old blogs – from MySpace (remember that place?). These are unedited (save for corrections of spelling and bad sentences) and represent my state of mind at the time. As for MySpace, don’t try and find me there – account has been deleted.

Originally Posted March 17, 2009

I recently succumbed to peer pressure and signed up to Facebook (shhhh, don’t tell MySpace). People that barely know how to use a computer were asking me if I was on there…and it seems that my friends here are visiting MySpace less and less.

So I took the plunge. I’m still going to maintain this space and update with pics, etc., and this will be my blog of choice for now (yes, I’m aware it’s been almost 5 months. I’ve been busy!). I know a few of my friends and family still prefer here. It’s only been a couple of days, so I don’t know what the pros and cons are for each site. It’s just another place to find me on the Internets.

The big thing about Facebook is your high school and college life coming back to haunt you. And for me, it is indeed a haunting. In college, I was too busy working 3 or 4 jobs and going to school full time (big middle finger to Ronald Reagan for that!) to really form any close friends and, to be honest, I hated high school.

It’s the high school thing that is really freaking me out. First, I lie profusely about my age. When the folks you went to high school with (and in one case, junior high!) are now your friends and they aren’t lying about their age…well, the jig is up. Fortunately, I’m 40 and fabulous and loving it…unless you’re a movie producer…then I’m 32.

Not to mention the folks that remember me, but I have no clue who they are. I’ve been pretty successful at blocking out most of that part of my life, so unless they made a real impact, positively or negatively, I don’t remember them. I had to be honest with one guy today and tell him straight up I couldn’t recall who he was. I did so, I think, in a nice way…but still it felt weird. I have no hurt feelings if they don’t remember me.

But mostly I was miserable in high school. I was extremely shy and insecure…but somehow faked it well enough to survive. I wasn’t unpopular…but I did feel invisible. There were a few bright moments…like my sophomore year. I had a crowd I hung out with and regular friends. By the time I graduated from my second high school (I went to two due to the fact that my dad was in the military) I was so over it and couldn’t wait for that part of my life to be over. I didn’t go to prom and I wouldn’t have gone to graduation…but my mother threatened me within an inch of my life if I didn’t.

Me walking across that stage was her accomplishment, not mine.

I found one person from my second high school (I went the first two years in North Carolina and the last two in Colorado) that I have always remembered simply because of what she wrote in my yearbook. “You make people think.” Because of her, I’ve made that my life goal. I had wanted to be an actress and writer even back then…but she put to words as to why. I’ve never forgotten that. Now that I’ve found her on Facebook, I was able to tell her. That felt good.

But she also told me how she really liked me and that I was always confident and knew what I wanted. Funny, I don’t remember me being that way. I knew what I wanted, definitely…have since I was nine. But confident? Well, I am a good actress.

And then there are the boys. I’ve had two guys from my first high school tell me that they had such a crush on me. What the fuck? How come I didn’t know this? While I was feeling like the freak of the week, people were crushing on me? Granted, I had my crushes, too (ooh…that reminds me…gotta search for them! If only I could remember their names…).

I cannot tell you how invisible I felt in high school…and the fact that people even noticed me is pretty amazing (and why I’m not offended if someone doesn’t remember me). I know I did some things that stood out (I was “the actress” at both schools…literally and figuratively)…and I was in all the things the high-achieving academic kids did….but I never really felt like anyone saw me, know what I mean?

I’m sure I wasn’t always the best person either. I was so miserable near the end. I do remember being not-so-nice to a couple of people. I’m sure I may have been more than cocky in the early years, too. In all honesty, it was part of my mantra: Let me hurt you before your hurt me.

The question is, what if I saw me the way these folks are claiming they saw me? The cynic in me says that perhaps time has also clouded their memories…and, in the case of the guys, the fact that I have aged well (oh, damn, I’ll just say it, I look good!) makes them want to get on my good side and say they were crushing on me.

In any case, it makes me wonder, if I knew then…where would I be now? Hopefully, in the same place. Good, bad or indifferent…I like where I am now. Maybe it was necessary for me to experience those years the way I did so that I could get to here.

Still, it might have been nice to have had a date once in awhile.


2 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: If I Knew Then

  1. Hey Crystal, read and enjoyed your recent entry. I’ve been the ‘single’ friend a number of times. Now the widowed and single for 30+ years friend.. What you say resonates with what I’ve experienced.


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