Exclusive: I Know Mitt Romney’s Plans for America Before He Does

Mitt Romney is about to kick off the policy part of his campaign. For some reason, the whole “I’ll tell you when you elect me” mantra hasn’t helped much in the polls. It may also have taken him this long to come up with some policies.

According to the New York Times “The Romney Plan for a Stronger Middle Class” will have five elements: energy independence, education changes, deficit reduction, help for small businesses and freer trade.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m not going to vote for Mitt, but I will be listening to whether or not he details his plan. However, just in case I get insanely busy this week and have less time than normal to ignore him, I’m going to write out the details of his plan now.

You may be asking, “How do you know if you haven’t heard his plan?”. I’m glad you asked! I know because 1) He’s running on the Republican ticket, 2) All of his advisors are the same as Dubya’s, and 3) Republicans haven’t changed their tune in 30 years. It’s an oldies station on the AM dial.

*Ahem* Ladies and gentlemen…wait, scratch that…only about 25% of women are going to vote for him. Fellas, I give you “The Romney Plan For A Stronger Middle Class”!

Disclaimer: It should be noted that in Romney’s America, middle class is somewhere in the range of $200,000-$250,000 in annual income. Therefore, if you aren’t anywhere near an annual six-figure income or above…this plan is not for you.

Energy Independence: America needs to be energy independent. Therefore, Romney’s plan will include approval of the Keystone pipeline, the opening up of more coastal regions and previously protected lands for more drilling. The fact that any oil produced from these activities would be years away from realization….and that all of it will probably be exported and do nothing for our energy needs will not be discussed in the liberal media.

Education changes: In short, teachers in public schools, and the unions that represent them, are Satan’s spawn (wait…do Mormons believe in Satan?)…okay, maybe not Satan…but public education is totally the problem. Parents should have the choice to use vouchers (paid for with taxpayers’ money) to send their children where they want. More than likely, these will be unaccountable private schools which will be free to teach children that humans and dinosaurs lived together in harmony and that sex is bad. There will be no talk about reducing class size, building better schools and giving communities the needed resources to improve education for all children in the liberal media.

Deficit reduction: Dude, this is simple. End Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, defund NPR, NEA, and Planned Parenthood. Oh, and totally repeal the shit out of Romneycare….I mean Obamacare. Remember, you don’t need any new revenues. Just cuts. Do I need to remind you that there will be no cuts to the Pentagon budget? Good.

Help for small businesses and freer trade: These two can be solved with the same two tactics: Eliminate regulations and…wait for it….reduce taxes on the job creators!

The definition of small business will essentially be any business that votes Republican. These small business owners would have to be making some serious cash if their post deduction taxable income was over $250K. As reference, I had a client, sole proprietor with one employee, who had a taxable income of more than $250k only when he grossed over a million dollars in one year.

However big or small they are, it is obvious they are weighted down with having to comply with rules like not polluting our air or dumping chemicals in the waterways. They should also be allowed to cut costs by going overseas for cheap labor and not be penalized through taxes and stuff for not hiring folks in America. That family bakery on the corner needs to be able to use skilled cake decorators in India to realize the American dream.

Finally, we know that the Bush tax cuts they have been enjoying for the past 10+ years haven’t been in place long enough for the top 1% to hire more employees, so those should not only be made permanent… but the cuts for the top should be increased. Just to make it fair, taxes will increase on the poor….you know, those making under $100,000 per year.

There you have it, Romney’s plan to fuck…I mean…improve the middle class. Just in case it isn’t clear, I totally made this up. But, then again, so will Mitt Romney.

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